WOMEN
When I'm a little old lady
Then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy
To repay all I've had from each girl and boy.
I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor;
Run in and out without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed,
Whenever they scold me, I'll just hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away
The time to be spent doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children when they're on the phone
As long as they're busy, won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer,
And never pick up my clothes from the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish,
I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor,
As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry,
Kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
i'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then,
When they buy new ones, I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal,
eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor,
I'll break lots of dishes as though i were four.
What fun I shall have, What a joy it will be
To live with my children like they lived with me!
Susie Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
but Joe is yo' half-brother."
So Susie forgot about her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling Pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother."
But Mama knew and said "Honey Child,
Do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
you ain't no kin to Pappy!"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, keeping it simple.
The child thought for a moment and said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
How To Drive Men Crazy!
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Cry. Cry often.
3. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months,
or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
4. Make them apologize for everything.
5. Get mad at them for everything.
6. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often.
Whine when they don't comply.
7. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about
his gun collection, his quick trigger finger,
and his affection for his Little Princess.
8. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
9. Criticize the way they dress.
10. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24 - 7. Compare and contrast.
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing
the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed... "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!
A 7 year-old and his 4 year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year-old is explaining that it is about time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4 year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
The surprised mother reacts quickly and smacks his rear. WHACK! The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the
younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
Mother's Dictionary
Amnesia:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again
Bottle Feeding:
an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too
Defense:
what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside
Drooling:
how teething babies wash their chins
Dumbwaiter:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
Family Planning:
the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
Full Name:
what you call your child when you're mad at him
Grandparents:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right
Hearsay:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word
Impregnable:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
Independent:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say
Look Out!:
what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
Prenatal:
when your life was still somewhat your own
Prepared Childbirth:
a contradiction in terms
Puddle:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into
it
Show Off:
a child who is more talented than yours
Sterilize:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
Storeroom:
the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything
Temper Tantrums:
what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children
Thunderstorm:
a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed
Top Bunk:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies
Two-Minute Warning:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises
Verbal:
able to whine in words
Weaker Sex:
the kind you have after the kids have worn you out
Whodunit:
none of the kids that live in your house
Whoops:
an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"
The New Survivor Show (for all the Mom's)
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
* 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each,
for 6 weeks.
* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance
classes.
* There is no access to fast food
* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house
clean, correct all homework, complete science projects,cook, do laundry, etc.
* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and
there is no remote.
* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they
must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick
children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
* The kids vote them off based on performance
* The winner gets to go back to his job