ZANY ZONE

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are

complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in

order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of

when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to

date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like

changing the oil in my car?

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks

homes are better.

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary...

"Haven't I seen you before?"

"I'm a Romantic."

"My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys."

"I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."

"I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."

"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."

"So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."

"3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute."

"I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

"I don't know if I like her."

"She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much."

"I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?"

"I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"

"Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"

"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"

"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"

"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you."

"I'll give you a call."

"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."

"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."

"I've learned a lot from you."

"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"

"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only

made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were

here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother, which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

An old man walks into a confessional and He says: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,

I picked up two teenage girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest : Are you sorry for your sins ?

Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you ?

Priest : Why are you telling me all this ? Man : I'm telling everybody

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him,

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater.'"

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,

"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "NO WAY! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.


	MEN Zany Zone ZANY ZONE - JOKES Daddy's Rules - Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early. Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary... "Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor." "I need you." "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys." "I am not circumcised." "I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." "I really want to get to know you better." "So I can tell my friends about it." "It's just orange juice, try it." "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." "She's kinda cute." "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." "I don't know if I like her." "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much." "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my manhood." "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" "Is my penis really that small?" "I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?" "Do you love me?" "I've done something stupid and you might find out." "Do you 'really' love me?" "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." "How much do you love me?" "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." "I have something to tell you." "Get tested." "I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly." "I've learned a lot from you." "Next!!!!" "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" "I gotta turn on my answering machine." John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Love, John Several days later, John received a letter from his mother, which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now." Love, Mom An old man walks into a confessional and He says: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two teenage girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Priest : Are you sorry for your sins ? Man : What sins ? Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you ? Man : I'm Jewish Priest : Why are you telling me all this ? Man : I'm telling everybody A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater.'" This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "NO WAY! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A : A rumour. Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.