There once was a lady named Alice
who used dynamite as a phallus.
They found her vagina
in North Carolina.
The rest of her wound up in Dallas.
There was a young man from Dartmoor
Who's dick was shot off in the war
He painted the front, to resemble a cunt
And set himself up as a whore
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals
who were hitchhiking.
They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.
A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart." He held his breath,
then the truck driver heard a low "Hsssssss."
A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart."
The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss."
"Jesus Fuckin Christ!" the truckie exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen
to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse.
"Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce?
A real virgin"
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that doesn't sound too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I've got somebody to talk to now
Sam comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out fucking around, haven't you?"
He says, "Nope."
She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my cock."
Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this fucking hard-on I've got. It must be all the fresh air. I'm going over to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"
John says, "Why the fuck would I want you to come with me?"
Bob says, "Because that's my cock your holding."
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a
dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man
finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a
flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been
eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
One morning Sam calls upto his office and says, " Hey Boss, I cant come in to work today?"
The boss goes, " Well, Why not?"
Sam replies, " I'm feelin' sick"
The boss asks, " How sick are you?"
Sam frustrated goes, " Well, I'm home fucking my sister, How sick is that?".
A guy pulls up in his car next to a young kid and opens the window
"If I give you a sweetie will you come in my car?"
To which the little girl answers:
"If you give me the whole bag I'll come in your face!"
These two winos were passing a bottle on the corner, when on the oppisite corner a woman sits in a chair all spraddle legged, the first to notice slaps the other and say "look man she's got her monkey shining". The other pauses and looks good and says"no she's got on black drawers", about this time a young boy comes by on a bicycle and they tell him to go over and look and come back and tell them, the boy rides over throws down his bike and runs up to look. On the way back he's slapping the handlebars and luaghing uncontrollably, he gets to them and says "you're both wrong, it's flies"! :o)
This lady goes to see the doctor because she has a terrible pain
in her stomach.
The doctor examines her, and with a bored look on his face he
sighs: "Well, mam, I sure hope you like changing diapers...".
So the woman smiles brightly and whispers: "What? Am I pregnant?
Finally after all these years? Thank god!".
"No," the doctor says, "You've got bowel cancer...."
There were two morticians a young man just starting his career and an older man, working in the same mortuary. The young man went to the older man one day and told him that the woman he was working on had shrimp stuffed in her vagina. The older mortician not believing this went to look. The young mortician showed him the dead female and the "shrimp". The older mortician said "you idiot that isn't a shrimp it's her clitoris". To which the young mortician replied "Well it sure does taste like shrimp".
Q: How do you know a female bartender is mad at you?
A: You find a string in your bloody Mary
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
A guy says to his gal while french kissing: "Honey, I think I just swallowed your gum."
"No, I was clearing my throat"
One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain.
It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.
Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms. DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.
It is believed by police that two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical pleasure.
At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.
The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters.
The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes!!!
You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.....
Q) What's the definition of gross?
A) Dreaming you're eating a bowl of creamy, tasty cottage cheese and you wake up and your grandma is sitting on your face