Wisdom For An Age Of Wise Guys
1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
3. Life's briefest moment is the time between reading the sign on the
freeway and realising you just missed your exit.
4. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
5. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
6. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory.
7. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
8. Always remember that one effective way to deal with things that want
to eat you is to taste terrible.
9. The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a sign that says "No
10. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you've never
11. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
12. Change is inevitable... Except from vending machines.
13. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
14. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
15. Everybody repeat after me... We are all individuals.
16. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
17. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
18. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
19. Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
20. Half the people you know are below average.
21. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not the sport for
22. Never criticise a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then
it's pretty safe, since you're a mile away AND you have his shoes.
RULES OF ORDER
1 - I can only please one person per day. Today is
not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2 - I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing
sound they make as they go flying by.
3 - Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get
along without it.
4 - Accept that some days you are the pigeon and
some days the statue.
5 - Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If
they aren't there the first time, chances are you
won't be needing them again.
6 - I don't have an attitude problem, you have a
7 - Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in
the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck
is the ceiling?
8 - My reality check bounced.
9 - On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger
on the escape key.
10 - I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11 - You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
through peanut butter.
12 - Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because
you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13 - Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14 - Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down
to their level, then beat you with experience.
15 - A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.
16 - Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
17 - After any salary raise, you will have less money
at the end of the month than you did before.
18 - The more crap you put up with, the more crap
you are going to get.
19 - You can go anywhere you want if you look
serious and carry a clipboard.
20 - Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21 - People who go to conferences are the ones
22 - If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would
23 - When you don't know what to do, walk fast
and look worried.
24 - Following the rules will not get the job done.
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end
their union after a very short time together. After a most brief
attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their
break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this
point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't
been able to agree on one thing."
The wife said, "Seven weeks."
BUMPER STICKERS worth reading
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
37) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name ~ You'll Be Screaming It Later.
LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
You Know You Are Getting Older When.....
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out, but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is
"Debby Does Dialysis."
After all is said and done...usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
"You Know You're Getting Old When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police."
Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing...say come back next Spring, but don't say no.
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Those who know the least, know it the loudest.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding
is that you never get to prove it.
The latest condom slogan: "Cover me, I'm going in."
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon: "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you
don't know what you're doing, someone else does
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering!
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend another doctor.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shithead's
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
People are never too busy to tell you all they have to do.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I've noticed that the people who are late are often so much
jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age....especially if you take them while driving.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them
A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
I hate running into old enemies, unless they're running and I run them over.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A phaser on stun is like a day without orange juice
Phronemophobia: Fear of thinking. (blonde thing!)
Actual Signs Posted by Business
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message,
and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
Property Laws According to Kids.....
If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
If I think it's mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automaticallybecomes mine.
If it's broken, it's yours!
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
I am very concerned about by 23 year old daughter. She has been sleeping around with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I told that she should not sleep with every Tom and Harry, but to wait for the right Dick to come around"
Woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and says -
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!!
Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?
She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
4) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
5) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a
person gain five pounds.
6) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
10) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
11) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
- Lewis Grizzard
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." - Conan
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a
riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead." -Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
yet." -Mae West
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress...But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet," - Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." - Author Unknown
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Here's A Puzzle for You:
Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns's was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
a last name.......
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is a Chinese take-out
Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa
Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children
Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure
Love is sweet nothing in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank
Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"