Recently, the "Love Bug" Virus circled the globe, damaging computers in it's path. There have recently been some new mutations or variations of this virus that you should be aware of.
The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any other computer
with which yours connects on any regular basis.
The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove generally unavailable.
The "Deadbeat" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
Computers are Like Men...
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Computers are Like Women...
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When... 1. You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
2. Your bookmark takes 15 mins to scroll from top to bottom.
3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5. You refuse to go to a vacations spot w/no electricity and no phone lines.
6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cell modem and a laptop.
7. You spend half of the plane trip w/your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
8. All your daydreaming is preoccupied w/getting a faster connection to the net.
9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
13. You step out of your room and realise that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
14. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
15. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
16. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
17. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
18. Your dog has its own home page.
19. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
20. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
21. You realise there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
22. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
23. You refer to your age as 3.x. Name: Joe cool Age: version 3.1.
24. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
25. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
26. Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. 27. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
28. You don't know the sex of 3 of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
29. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
30. You miss more than 5 meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
31. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms.
32. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
33. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html.
34. You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address
. 35. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
36. Your friends no longer send you email - they just log on to your IRC channel
37. You buy a captain Kirk chair w/a built-in keyboard and mouse.
38. Your wife makes a new rule: "the computer cannot come to bed."
39. You are so familiar w/the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
40. You get a tattoo that says "this body best viewed w/ Netscape 3.2 or higher."
41. You never have to deal w/busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
42. You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer w/a toilet.
43. You forget what year it is.
44. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
45. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
46. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net."
47. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200hrs per month "unlimited."
48. You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
49. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the 2 of you can chat
. 50. As your car crashes through the guard-rail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Ode To Spammers I do not want your MLMs; I don't want to see nude teenage femmes. I do not want psychic advice, So there's no need to mail me thrice. I do not like New Jerseyan swearing, And I don't want the panties you're wearing. I do not want your Asian chicks; I don't care about your lame stock picks. I do not want to see Pam's bod, Don't care about your views on God. I don't want calling cards prepaid, Nor Herbalife's new diet aid. So, Dave Rhodes, lawyers Seigel and Canter, And the "I am so great" ranter, And all you others who have no name-- Whether small-time or of nanae fame: I do not want to sound too crass, But I think someone should kick your /dev/null.
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o`er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we`re laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they wish they were dead.
A Day in the Life of a Computer Nerd
4AM - Shut down Winblows and try to sleep
7AM - Try to wake up
7:15AM - Try to get out of bed
7:16AM - Turn on computer and start Winblows 95
7:20AM - Take Shower
7:25AM - Check Email
7:35AM - Search for wearable clothing
7:40AM - Log onto Internet for no reason
7:50AM - Chat with another pathetic society-reject about nothing at all
8:00AM - Find some form of food
8:05AM - Scarf it down as fast as possible
8:10AM - Play Quake DeathMatch on Internet
8:45AM - Go to work
9:00AM - Oogle over all the new computer hardware
9:15AM - Come back to reality realizing that you can't afford anything
9:20AM - Time yourself to see how long it takes to build a computer
11:30AM - Test out newly built PII 333mhz with 128megs of RAM
12:00PM - Play GLQuake for ever until the boss sees what you are doing and
1:00PM - Spend 3 hours debating IBM vs. Mac
4:00PM - Declare that Macs suck and IBMs will always reign supreme!
4:30PM - Maybe try to fix a CDROM that some idiot put in backwards
5:00PM - Spend 2 hours turning a 286 into a multimedia powerhouse
7:00PM - Trade in old computer stuff and get lotsa cash
7:20PM - Go to friend's house and play network Quake for hours on end.
11:30PM - After -8,000 Frags in Quake giving up and challenging them to a
programming contest where the winner gets to pay for the computer trade
show coming to town
2:30AM - After losing horribly in the contest, going home and wishing you
had one of those supermodels that pose on the internet, right then and
3:30AM - Some time passes and you get board. So you strip your computer
apart and put it all back together again in a different configuration,
hoping that by some miracle, it goes faster.
3:55AM - Everything works. Bored out of your mind and tired as you
could ever possibly get, you pray for a quick way to pass out. Windows
crashes and gives you this error "Could not read from drive C: due to
lack of" and won't do anything else. Thanking God for such a miracle, you
sacrifice the remaining Win95 CD to the lighter God!
4:00AM - Shut down Winblows 95 and try to sleep......and the exact same
thing happens the next day, and the day after that, and the day after
that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after
that, and so on.
The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.
Any computer you can't afford.
Any computer you own.
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
GUI (pronounced gooey):
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
The standard way to generate computer errors.
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
New Words to Christmas Songs
(to the tune of "Silent Night")
Silent Mac, broken Mac!
System bombed, screen went black.
Books suggested things; I tried 'em all:
Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall.
Now my deadline is tight,
This Mac's been silent all night.
Violent night, horrible night!
Lost my cool, filled with spite,
Threw my Mac through the balcony door
Watched it fall from the 20th floor,
Now I'm sleeping in peace;
Thank God I had it on lease.